


The Reflexion of Your Shadow

by EWWBD



Series: hpficexchange prompts [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, hpficexchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-01
Updated: 2013-02-01
Packaged: 2017-11-27 19:32:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/665640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EWWBD/pseuds/EWWBD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I need you to be miserable too," said Scorpius.</p><p>"And why is that?" asked Albus.</p><p>"So that, even though I am miserable, I will know I'm not alone."</p><p>To Sarah, with love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Reflexion of Your Shadow

_"Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake someone else up, so that they can feel this way, too."_

_— Lemony Snicket —  
_

In the dim illuminated dorm room in the quiet dungeons, Albus Potter, hair sticking everywhere and blanket wrapped tightly around his body, turned around in sleep and sighed wishfully.

His dream was flurry, dizzy, a messy sequence of memories and fantasies from now and then—from the beginning, from that time they did not talk about, from the last months—and wishes, things he only allowed himself to fully consider, minutely desire, under a spell of a dull class and in the security of his unconsciousness, safe and intangible.

There was a light, there was dark, then there was the silhouette of someone flying away while the rain poured down on Albus' stiff body, wet and cold and—

Albus turned around again, laying on his back, and opened his eyes slowly. Then, he sat up and yelled.

"Finally."

"Scorpius!" Albus uncovered himself, throwing his completely soaked blanked on the floor before staring at the ridiculously purple cloud that was hovering over his bed. The water had gotten to his mattress as well now, so he got up, shaking his wet hands, and finally turned to his right, growling unbelievingly at the blond who was calmly playing with his wand while resting against his bed's headboard.

"Care to explain?" growled Albus as he reached to his bedside table to grab his wand. He dried himself up first, and then shot a significant look at Scorpius before turning to the cloud which was still soaking his bedsheets.

"I couldn't sleep," said Scorpius, still rolling the wand around with his fingers. He spoke with such clear, confident voice as if it should be the only possible answer, the way he responded whenever he was feeling like actually participating in class.

Albus was torn between being angry and just fairly amused. It was Scorpius, after all.

Still, he was soaking. Or had been, a few seconds ago. And the dream he had been woken up from had been profoundly touching, and he would have liked to see its end.

"So you decided you'd just up and conjure a sodding cloud over my bed to wake me up as well?" he chose to ask, carefully putting new, clean, dry bedsheets over his mattress, which now was also free of water.

"I tried calling you, but you must've been having a bloody good dream, wouldn't ever stir when I called. I had to take drastic courses."

"Of course you had." Albus sighed, closing his eyes for then seconds—which he mentally counted, mind you, because putting Scorpius to sleep through unnatural causes was seeming more tempting each moment—and then sat down on the bed, facing Scorpius. "Why did you want me awake, anyway?"

"I had an epiphany."

Albus groaned. Lately, Scorpius had been having a lot of epiphanies. In the latest one, Albus had found himself trying not to fall asleep in the cold, hard floor of the Restricted Section of the Library at four am on a school night while Scorpius went through every book in there that could help him in his new aim—become a unspeakable.

If Albus were Rose, or even Victoire, he would have used the time he spent there on the floor to psychoanalysing this new burning and sudden desire of his best friend's, maybe something regarding his father and a surname that only caused trouble and whatnot, but it had been four am on a Tuesday night and Albus had class first thing in the morning. So he'd just sat there, vainly waiting for his unanswered questions—"For Merlin's sake, why can you not do this during the day, Scorp? It's not like we're forbidden from entering this place any longer"—to be acknowledged while Scorpius once again threw a book away with a hushed curse on his tongue, and later he just didn't have the purpose.

Maybe he was a shitty friend. But he hadn't punched Scorpius yet, and that was always a plus.

"What is it now, Scorp?" he asked Scorpius, trying to keep all the venom and tiredness from his voice to be used later. He had a feeling he'd need it.

Scorpius didn't answer for a while, still staring at his wand as if it hold all the mysteries of the universe. His hair, usually so carefully combed with the right amount of product and with all the locks in the right place, was now resembling Albus', pointing everywhere, a sign he'd been running his hands through it a lot already. There were shadows under his grey, cocooned eyes, although they weren't as deprived of emotion as Albus was so used to see.

"I have a feeling," started Scorpius, his voice raw and quiet, almost ashamed, and that caught Albus' attention more than anything, "that I might be going into a crisis."

"I could have told you that," said Albus before he could stop himself. Then, just went on, "In the morning. After a good night of sleep."

"No, it's—it's not that." Scorpius turned around then, kneeling on the bed and looking at Albus with those stupidly grey eyes of his that Albus hated so fucking much for making him feel things, and now—damn, now those eyes were shining with all these unleashed emotions and reflecting the moonlight that infiltrated the room through the open curtains from Brad Nettles' side of the room and Albus had to pull back for a second before he did something he would regret in the morning. "It's not that, Al. I... Have you ever felt as if your whole life had no purpose?"

Albus' eyes had fallen to Scorpius' mouth for a second while he was speaking, but he shook himself up, biting his lips just to do something with them, and tried not to throw his pillow at Scorpius.

"You're saying you woke me up to say you are thinking like every teenager in front of a big decision?" Albus dared to look at Scorpius' eyes again and as least managed to keep it together better now. "Does this have something to do with seventh year coming up? Scorpius, relax. We are only ending our sixth year. There's plenty of time—"

"No, no, Albus, you don't understand." Scorpius fidgeted in bed for a second and then got up before sitting down next to Albus. He tried not to breathe. "I—I don't know. I had a dream—a nightmare, call it what you want, but I just—I feel like I have no one."

"Wow, Scorp, thanks, I love you too."

"Don't—don't say that. That's—And that's not what I meant. It's just... I don't have anyone like Rose has Ethan and Victoire has Teddy and Lucy has—"

"So you want a boyfriend?"

"No—that's not it. I just—what if nobody ever loves me? What if nobody even loves me now? I just woke up with this feeling and now I can't sleep and I doubt I will ever be able to sleep again, because, for Merlin, that's some hideous life to look forward to, isn't it? No love, no one. I..."

Whist Scorpius fought with his words for a while, Albus resisted the urge to sigh and started thinking about how he could make Scorpius stop being such a drama queen and just go the fuck to sleep already. He knew he should be used to it by now—they'd known each other for six years, been constantly in each other's life for almost as long, best friends of all the best friends and all that shit. By now, Albus had already dealt with Scorpius' tantrums and melodramas more often than not, and it certainly wasn't the first time he had been woken up in the middle of the night thanks to Scorpius' ever-there anxiety and fear of the future and the  _unknown_ and simply his tendency of freaking out over the smallest things.

So, perhaps, this time, there was something different about the situation. Albus wasn't going to deny that. He could feel it, down to his core, that something had to have happened to make Scorpius feel like that, but he sure didn't want to know what it was. This was the worst downside of being in love with your best friend, he thought bitterly. He had already gone through one girlfriend before Scorpius realised that wasn't what he wanted, and then two more shitty boyfriends who would probably be the cause of his early white hairs. He had had to sit through fights and make-ups and detailed conversations he so didn't want to take a part on, all along stopping himself from screaming that he would be the best boyfriend Scorpius would ever had and could he  _please_ just realise that?

And there was certainly someone, some handsome, clever bloke that Scorpius had convinced himself he'd never had a chance with, and now Albus was left with the job of telling Scorpius to just suck it and ask the guy out.

He wished he could quit. He didn't want this job. Never. Unless he was the guy and Scorpius was playing a trick on him to get to him to admit his oh-so-well-hidden feelings, but if it was, Merlin was he going to get mad.

None of it mattered, though. Albus just wanted to get this over with and go back to bed. He had quiddich practice in the morning, after all.

"Listen, Scorpius," he started slowly, just wanting to get this over with so that he could go back to his dreams and fantasies that would never come to reality. "Whoever it is that you think doesn't love you—just give him time. It will happen. You're just... you're just overreacting."  _As always,_ Albus added to himself, even though he felt a fondness inside of him with the thought.

He couldn't lie. This side of Scorpius was one of his favourites things about him. Especially for the fact that he knew he was the only one that got to see it.

"No—Albus, that's not it. I don't need—I don't need you to console me or anything. I  _know_ it's—that it's stupid. I know it's just me being my drama queen self or whatever it is you want to call it. I just need to know that—that I'm not the only one who feels like that."

"... I'm quite sure you aren't, Scorp. I mean, there are over seven billions people on Earth. There's bound to be..."

"That's not it also. Just—Just think with me." Scorpius, who had just been sitting next to Albus calmly while he listened and spoke, now turned around, kneeling down besides Albus. He reached out as if to take Albus' hands, but gave up on the last second. Albus' heart was beating so loudly he felt it could muffle Scorpius' next words. "What's there that guarantees you will find someone? Or, better, that someone will find you? There's no contract that you sign with your blood when you're born to say, 'I promise I will fall deeply in love with someone during my lifetime and will make sure they feel like they're the most loved person to ever inhabit Earth." It simply doesn't exist, Albus. There's nothing that says it will happen. So what if it doesn't? I—It's not like I  _need_ someone, but I want someone. For Merlin, do I want someone."

The air felt heavy around them. Albus was torn between holding back the words that would put Scorpius to sleep and also possibly ruin their friendship irreversibly and trying not to let what Scorpius had said—Merlin, who gave him the  _right_ to be so eloquent at such hour?—get to him.

Because, yes, Albus liked to play cool and act as if he just wasn't interested in relationships, but that—that was all a façade he used to keep the few girls and boys he'd fooled around with off his back. Especially because he only resorted to such drastic measures—he didn't really like the emptiness of a casual shag—when he was feeling particularly jealous because of the only guy he actually,  _honestly_ wanted.

Albus wanted the silly romance and the stolen glances and the hands that fit perfectly even when they didn't and someone who he could always,  _always_ count on. He wanted someone to be simply himself with, not the public person he'd created to spare his parents problems with gossip magazines and to keep unwanted company away. He wanted someone to lay in bed with on a cold winter morning and just  _be_ for a second.

Outside, far far away, a lightning stroke, and Albus saw the same eyes he'd been imagining looking at him as if he was the most important thing to them.

"I—" His voice cracked and he cleared his throat before swallowing and going down the cynical road he always went when he felt his feelings were too close to the surface of his pale face. "Are you trying to make me believe in that bullshit too?"

"It's not—Fuck, yes, Albus, I am. I just—I need you to be miserable too."

Albus swallowed again. "And why is that?"

"So that, even though I am miserable, I know I'm not alone." He paused, licked his lips—Albus was proud of himself for not looking away and still keeping a cool exterior—and then added, "And it's not—knowing that someone  _obviously_ feels like that in China will not help. I need—I need someone right  _here_. Right by my side. Because damn it, Albus, you know this is a possibility. You  _know_ it."

Albus wanted to say 'Not for you'. He wanted to get a pensieve and show Scorpius exactly how much someone loved him in  _that_ way. He wanted to stop pretending and bare his heart right in the open to Scorpius to take or to break. And yes—he wanted to hear the words back, see it in dark grey eyes. Merlin, he'd even take Scorpius faking it all to get Albus to admit his feeling so he could say them back or whatever. He'd take  _anything._

Instead, he said, "I don't reckon I follow, Scorp. You think... you will never be loved... so you woke me up so I will... feel the same way?"

That at least made Scorpius seem a little guilty, as if just know he realised how silly and selfish that was, but eventually he nodded, moving away from Albus so he could lay against the bed's headboard. His legs were stretched out in front of him and Albus knew that, if he laid back just a little, he'd feel Scorpius knee against his ass.

He sat up straight and pretended the air hadn't gotten hotter.

"It's not just that, though," Scorpius said after a while, rubbing his hands against his chin. "I—I know that, even though this possibility  _exists,_ I will never stop looking. I will never stop hoping. It will always be there, bigger than the reality of what will most likely happen, this hope of finding  _the one._ And—I don't know if I will be able to take it." Scorpius looked at Albus now, eyes open in a way Albus had never seen it, and his expression was so earnest that there was no way Albus could keep up with making fun of him.

It was then that it  _really_ hit Albus that, of  _all_ people, he was the one Scorpius had come to when he'd been having his 'crisis'. He was the one Scorpius had trusted, and maybe it was the fact that he was near and one of Scorpius' closest friends, but Rose was the head-leaved one, and Brad, even though Albus didn't like him very much, had always been one of Scorpius confidants as far as he knew. Albus was the one with the quick remarks and sarcasm as mother language. He was the most likely to make fun of something so stupid—even though he knew, deep down, that it wasn't  _that_ stupid, not at all—and the one who would just tease and laugh before he got to the serious part of the conversation.

Scorpius had come to him. To  _him._ And damn it—if he couldn't have Scorpius the way the wanted, he had that. He'd always have that.

"Do you really think I'm pathetic?" asked Scorpius when Albus didn't say anything.

"No," Albus answered right away. He'd couldn't remember ever hearing his voice so serious. "Not at all."

And then—Scorpius laughed. He actually laughed, and kept laughing, and soon Albus was laughing as well even though he honestly didn't know what for. And when they stopped, Scorpius laid down on Albus' bed, and patted the spot next to him, and when Albus also laid down, he didn't stop the images from dreams and fantasies that rushed through his eyes before he blinked it all away.

There was silence for a while, and then Scorpius spoke up.

"It is a bit pathetic."

Albus hummed. "Just a little bit."

Which made then laugh again, and when they stopped, Albus felt light-headed, as if he was under the Imperius Curse, just waiting for an order. And he heard an order, and this time—this time, he just couldn't ignore it.

"Although, Scorpius," he hesitated for a second, and then lifted himself up on his left elbow to look down at Scorpius, who still had that unfair, almost unreal glow in his eyes, "I—I don't think this will happen to you."

Scorpius' only response was to arch his eyebrows, which made Albus falter for a second. He knew the words he was going to say next, the future fairytale he'd paint that would have made Rose jealous and that, if he knew where to look, Scorpius would understand what was hidden between the lines of the story, and Albus was already regretting it, because—bugger, he couldn't be any more ridiculous if he tried.

But then, he opened his mouth, and it took a completely different direction: "Because your someone already exists."

It took Scorpius a while. At first he just looked at Albus as if he didn't know what to make of that, then his expression turned to thoughtful and Albus would bet he was going through every male student in the school that Albus was in speaking terms with that could have told him how he felt, and Albus was really going to smack Scorpius if he just didn't  _get it_ already, and then—

Then.

His eyes widened. His mouth fell open. He moved his jaw, looking for words, but in the end gave up. Then his hands were there, right in front of Albus' face,  _touching_ his face, and then Scorpius' dark, beautiful, unbelievably clear grey eyes were in front of his and Albus forgot how to breath.

"Did—" Scorpius swallowed. "Did I get it wrong?"

Albus was surprised he still could find his voice.

"No, you didn't."

Scorpius kissed him. It was short and passionate, breaking through Albus' cells and touching him in his very core, causing his hands to shake and his toes to curl on the bedsheets that still had to warm up and felt cold even through Albus' mismatched socks. It was the sort of kiss that laid down in the line all the emotions and all the hidden feelings and the sort of kiss that made one forget how to work their lungs and move anything other than their mouth.

Hardly ten seconds had passed when Scorpius pulled away, but Albus' entire body was buzzing with energy.

He still could feel Scorpius' warm breath in front of him and there still were strong, big, hot hands touching his face, but he didn't dare to open his eyes, because he just—he couldn't—

"I—" Scorpius' voice was husky and low in a way Albus had only ever dreamt of, and he wanted to lean forward, feel again the perfect fit of his lips over Scorpius' and the shock that would rush through his veins, but he felt frozen, frozen in time and place right there and then, with the memory of the kiss lingering on his mind and precluding his muscle from moving. "I promise this was not some cruel plan to find out if you fancied me back or—"

A chuckle escaped Albus' lips with these words, and with that he felt like he could move again. He opened his eyes, smiling softly at Scorpius' awed expression, and lifted his right hand, cupping Scorpius' face and kissing him lightly because fuck,  _he could._

"I'm not gonna lie, I don't think I'd even be mad if it was," he admitted, reopening his eyes and looking at Scorpius shyly. "Although, I'm glad it wasn't."

"I just—fuck, I've wanted to to this in so long, Al, you have no idea." Scorpius traced Albus' entire face with the tip of his finger, moving from lips to ears to eyes and back to lips. The air felt heavy, but for once Albus didn't feel like running away.

"I think I can imagine." Albus smiled as well, mimicking Scorpius' actions and touching the lips so close to his hand, feeling the warm breath touch his fingers when Scorpius opened his mouth to let out a silent gasp. "I—I was  _so_ certain it was someone else. Who had freaked you out."

"I was certain you were in love with Maddie," retorted Scorpius with a slightly affected voice.

"Oh my." Albus laughed, leaning forward and resting his head on Scorpius' shoulder. It all made sense now. The day before—leaving the Dining Hall with Maddie—her pulling him by the hand through Scorpius on the way to the Griffindor Tower—"Maddie's gay, Scorpius."

_"What?"_

"She's in love with Lily. I was trying to find out if Lily would ever be interested. You know her and her 'fuck labels' policy and all that that makes James  _lose it_ because she's too young and whatnot. That's why I was with her so much these days. They're together now, by the way, but you didn't hear from me."

"This... actually makes a lot of sense."

Albus leaned back, smirking at Scorpius, and ran his hand down his arm to lace their fingers together.

"So..." He pressed his lips together. "Are you still worried nobody will ever care for you, you giant drama queen?"

"I don't know. I'm rather sure the word I used was  _love,_ and I still haven't heard any declaration."

"Do you want a serenade?"

"No, thank you. I'd rather you didn't torture my ears that way."

Albus tried to look offended, but the both knew how true it was. Rose had taken them to the so-called muggle 'karaoke bars' enough times. Not that Scorpius was any better, of course. Albus almost said so, but apparently his filter had gone out of the window with the kiss and what came out instead was: "Do you think you could go first? I'm still not over the 'you fancy me back' factor."

As soon as the words left Albus' mouth he wanted to take them back; he couldn't be any more ridiculous, could he? He wasn't just assuming Scorpius loved him back; he was honestly declaring how much it affected him.

_Murder. Him._

Scorpius didn't seem to mind, though. He just laughed, leaning closer, so close that his nose touched Albus.

"I don't  _fancy_ you back, God, no." There was a small planned pause. "I  _love_ you, Albus."

Heart almost exploding, Albus let their lips touch for just a brief moment, and then withdrew just to whisper those three words back before diving back in, not willing for surface any time soon.

"Still mad I woke you up?" Scorpius asked long after, watching the sun rise through Brad Nettles' open curtains.

Albus just laughed. "Hell no."

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I write Albius, and I've never really read any fic of them, so I apologise for any fandom inconsistency. Also, English isn't my first language and my friend didn't have time to beta this for me, so all mistakes are mine and I'm sorry for them.


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